| My Useless Ramblings.... | ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
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This is me!!!
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ok, so umm...yeah, this is me in a nutshell.....my name is lisa....im 5'5", with very long hair that happens to be many different colors at the moment,14 piercings, and more to come, blue eyes- two of them, 10 fingers, blah blah blah...etc...
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How I Occupy Myself...
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Hmm....that's a tough one....I swear my life is a giant Seinfeld episode (I know it's disturbing)....all I do is go to diners, and drink coffee and talk about nothing, with the occassional visit to the porn shop (just for a laugh), and I write way too much for my own good....only poetry though, and I'm a music junky. I love the doors, NIN, STP, AIC, rancid, staind, nirvana, radiohead, rolling stones, korn, MxPx, stabbing westward, TOOL, toadies, our lady peace, or any other band with some form of talent....I've been to many concerts, so many that I've lost track of them, but that's ok, there are worse things in life...if you need to bitch about anything I'll be more than happy to listen, I've been told I'm good with that stuff.....one last thing...just because I'm legal doesnt mean I want every single damn pervert imming me to "cyber" with them...I have not yet reached the patheticness of that point, where I need a computer to get me off, but if or when I do, I'll let all of you horny perverts know.
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Some Of My Ramblings...(My Poetry)
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1.Why do I have to fight to be free? | Free of this insanity that eases my contemporary blindness Free of these crazy thoughts that rule my mind Burdened with the stains of time Scarred with the stupidity of myself Endless agonizing mindless games Punishing myself for my unnoticed mistakes Blocking everything from the truth That is, everything but the lies My senseless lies that form my life. My life that is my lie. My life, My lie, My stupidity. 2.In your eyes I saw your soul, I saw every detail of you, The things that got you going, The things that made you "whole." In your eyes I saw my future, I saw myself content I pictured us together, Never to let go... in your eyes I saw my existence, I saw my trust, I saw myself letting go, I saw myself living for you. In your eyes I now see you. You staring right back at me. Empty, Hallow, Dark coldness. I look into your eyes and see nothing, Nothing more than my reflection. 3.Scraping nails across the heartache, Picking at the scars grown in Trying to rid yourself of this nuisance This nuisance you cant live with or without. Piercing into your brain Disturbing thoughts to silence all Enough to drive anyone crazy, Enough to drive everyone away. 4.Black and blue insides, bruises that wont heal, Running in your head Untamable jagged pieces, force feeding your sanity, Insurmountable objects, Soaking in your soul, Emptiness of nothing, Solitude alone. 5.Blackest days, blackest hours Blackest life, blackest way. Burning heart, empty words Lonely thoughts, open wounds. All these things you give to me I cant thank you enough. Because of you im broken And I am alone. I hate you, and I love you Its one of my twisted things You are my drug slowly killing me by the minute Just waiting for another to heal me, Appreciate me, Then leave me. Because of you im tainted. My trust no longer exists I shouldn't have just let you screw me over And let you have your way- Im the stupid one. 6.Lost in a dreamworld Entangled by pain Searching for something unknown to me Starting my engine, soaking like rain Your solemn face turns slowly, As I fade away. 7.How can you expect me to put these pieces together as before? Untouched, unbroken.......pure. How dare you tell me ill be alright You're not here with me. The one time I need you you're no where to be found You're not worth this frustration You're not worth my mind One day ill wake up and you'll be out of time. 8.Why is it everytime I see you I fall apart? Why cant you be torn apart? Feel the anguish I feel And know what I know Hate you for a good reason Then I let you go. 9.Coldness. Coldness eating away at my skin Freezing my heart solid Stopping the blood rush Stopping my heart beat Stopping my pain....forever. Coldness is my wish. Too bad I never get what I want. 10.Puffy eyes, Stuffed nose, Tears falling, Chaos controls. Smoking my first drag, Breathing in the pain, Exhaling what I saw, Or ever wanted to be. It vanished within an intake of air Never to be seen or heard from again. 11.Turbid onslaught of impeccable lies Feeling the pain that lies inside Wanting for it to die Waiting to kiss yourself good-bye Waiting, wanting.... Just to get yourself by. 12.Hiding behind myself Too afraid to let anyone in Cant afford to take the chance Locked myself off from people everywhere Refused to trust another soul Couldn't accept it, Wont accept it. Refused to let it happen once again. History will not repeat itself as another one of my fuck ups. Another thing to let myself remember what I've done wrong And how I've messed up, And why im loneliest when im in a crowd, And why my thoughts attack me constantly, Breaking me apart, Shattering my security, Cracking me down. My wall is built No one permitted to break it down again. No one allowed to watch me fall apart. And just sit there, and laugh at my stupidity Of my history repeating itself. 13.My self image is no longer existing These images of ntothingness perplexing yet redeeming. A silent thought of an ashamed whisper A scarred memory of what once was Picture perfect masquerade of lies. Shedding it's skin to its' true form Exploding into the distance, Pushing past far behind Nonchalantly gazing into nothingness Furthering yourself into the now filled void Until even that surpasses you And then nothing is what you get. You're in the inaudable atmosphere Taking in each dying breathe Your kindred spirit is locked away To punish yourself for you indifference It embodies you until you're left helpless Shuddering to realize of what now is, Accepting truths of unbarable pains of the illusive mystique of Yet another yesterday gone by, I slowly gaze into my torment of my self-inflicted agony, And look back, Only to see the roses from beyond the grave of what you left Me. 14.You fall into your slumber sleep. You look around, Wondering where you're at, But knowing where you've gone. Looking for a familiar face lost, Within a valley of zombies. But the zombies know what's in store, They've lived through it, now you will too. You once told me you were dangerous, But now I know the truth. You were nothing more than a mere scarred person lost inside of Yourself. Whether enamored with the elite people, Or sustained by the drug, You never meant to hurt me, But then again, neither does anyone. You inject your mistake into your blood, And it spreads like a malignant virus throughout you. The virus takes over and your aggravation is lost for the moment. Your disease is real and not picky to choose, Mistake after mistake, Error behind error, You quickly lose grasp of your reality, And your illusion begins. Your charade won't last forever, Its charm will soon diminish. Hopefully I'll be there for you once again when you go through Your breakdown and fall apart at the seams. But I'm getting where you are. You sucked me into your scheme. Intentional or not I now stand beside you lost within the Zombies. I failed you. Stronger than I, yet quicker to judge, You wanted me to see inside your head. Well here I am stuck in the same rut. Afraid to ask for help, Not wanting to lure another by their curiosity and pain, You put yourself even further deep within the addiction that Makes you sane. Your last cry for help went unnoticed, As you traveled through your last trip, You started to see blackness, Surrounded by my void. Slipping downward and feeling numb, You no longer cared about me- I wondered if you ever did. I then found my elite zombies and traveled with them, Following your trail. You abandoned me, Or perhaps I abandoned you. I got caught up in your thoughts while your drug pulled me Through, As it did you. Guiltless and free, You continued to be, Engulfed by the numbness of your apathetic motions. Then by yourself, All by yourself, All used out of breath, You collapsed to the ground. I watched you in admiration. Knowing you're going to a better place and hoping you would take A piece of me with you. Blood rushed to your head, and out of your mouth, Your empty eyes reopened and you were crying- For what I don't know. You looked at me and whispered you were sorry, So sorry. Your last breath came and your once fulfilled eyes remained open. I stood there. Frozen with fear and shocked from your words, I realized that you knew. Your good intentions were made aware. You never meant to hurt me, I guess you really did care. I now wonder if I did. That day you woke me up from my slumber sleep for the both of us. 15.The sound of nothingness was as apparent as the solemn loneliness gleaming through the pale shadows of the windows to her heart. Burned from her past, which scars her in the future, leaving her feeling the torment of her own self-inflicted agony. She built a barrier of thorns around herself, protecting herself from the outside, the outside where all she ever knew were the sorrows of "life". These thorns were her means of surviving the empty fight of love that was no longer alive in her heart. She lived shorter then her worn face showed, but survived more than she could ever inform a person floating down the exact numbingly painful path as she, only 15 years before. A time when she was at peace with herself as well as everything else, and all was likably accepted rather then forced to be. There was a time when she could wake up in the morning and live her life without all of the lonely worries and awkward memories of her past. All of her securities and esteem were stolen within an intake of air, as if she never even had the right to live. She was not permitted to enjoy her own misery yet was allowed to remain conscious and breathing in the shame of her shattered dream of reality. Her sugar coated ideas of her long lost love and the desire, still remained to be, by his side. But his side was even further away then she was from her sanity, or even a glimpse of it. She lost sight of herself long before he strolled along despite the fact that she blamed him for her breakdown. She knew deep inside the layers of protection that she was wrong. She was at the point where she didn't realize it- "it" being the painful fantasy of the warped potential of the senseless masquerade she knew as life. Her perception was unraveling right before her tear-filled eyes. His sweet kiss that once mesmerized her, now frightened her and left her numb, with indifferent apathy, if that's even possible. She would give up her life and let herself go, moreso then she has, just to have that feeling of love. The knife was twisting and turning inside her used up heart. Nothing had any worth, for that word bared no meaning upon her. It never existed, just as his love for her. She longed to be free. Perhaps one day she would break free of herself.
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